got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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