I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
