Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
vagina is talking i cant
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
