Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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