How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize