I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
