shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
