I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
