So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
