remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize