there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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