hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
