Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize