just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
