dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
