my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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