Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
