don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
