Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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