I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
