I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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