I want to make a zoo with you.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
