sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
