dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
