true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
