Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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