your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Randomize
