I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
