Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just pee around me
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
