you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize