I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
PANTIES FOUND
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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