i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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