So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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