My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
