I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
