My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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