Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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