I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Help. Why am I so naked?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
