I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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