Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
