Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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