I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
