I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
