i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
