FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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