That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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