Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
