i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
