I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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