My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
