Please, let me fuck your mom
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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