You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
