i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
