i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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