it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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