I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
