I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
