don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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