Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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