I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
