You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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