So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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