Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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