no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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