Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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