I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
