I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
