i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
COCAINE IS GR8
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Congratulations! We have a period
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
