I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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